Last week, I released “Dating Etiquette 101” and the post went UP.

Many of you loved it and thought it was spot on. Many, thought it was cool, but also had some grievances, which I’ve shared below.

“A lot of Gen Y women date for meals”

I can understand the concerns. If something feels off about a guy’s intention, follow your instincts. For me & many other guys I know, we enjoy so many other options for first dates that don't always involve "dinner" or "drinks". Going to get drinks is a great way to have face to face conversation and learn someones tastes, interests or vibe with them. Going for drinks is typically more expensive than dinner for me as well. Two top shelf drinks of brown for myself at any decent place will cost $25 to $30 minimum- tip not included. A $30 drink + entree is most likely a decent to above average meal. Dinner dates are great, especially when you are really feeling a person; I'm an advocate for dinner and good conversation at all times. There is the other elephant in the room with how many of these Gen Y women that are willing to go out with a man just to get a good meal and have zero interest in getting to know him personally. It’s childish and prevalent amongst many women from diff walks of life. No one has time to waste, so I think communication and open mindedness goes a long way.

“It’s unreasonable not to want to go out for drinks on a first date.”
“If I try to kiss a girl on the first date and she curves me, I’m never seeing her again.”
“Maybe he could only afford one” (to this, my response is to see Dating Etiquette 101, because I address this in detail)

“It’s not about how much money he spends”

Whether you spend $0 or $3000 my expectation is less around the material things he can bring on the first [date] but more about his character.If I try to kiss a girl on the first date and she swerves me, that’s my last time seeing her. .

These are valid responses, and I believe each of these falls into what I’d like to define as core dating principles. They are: dating with integrity, dating responsibly and dating with intention.

1) Dating with Integrity

To be honest, on a mainstream level, there is little integrity on the dating scene. As defined by Cambridge Dictionary, integrity is the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles. This means, you let the person know you’re not interested in them and you don’t use them for everything they have to give, knowing you don’t want anything with that person.

First and foremost, follow-up after the date.
- Guys: if you like her, let her know you enjoyed, thank her for her time and tell her you’d like to see her again sometime.
- Girls: Always say thank you. Even though I am/we are the catch[es] - if someone takes up time with you and is kind enough to spend their hard-earned coins to wine and dine you, the least you can do is show gratitude.
- Both parties should take the onus to give feedback. Ladies, if the date was good and you don’t want to be aggressive, say something along the lines of “I really enjoyed my time with you. Thank you.” That’s just enough to tell him you’re interested without chasing him.
Secondly, TELL the person you’re not interested. I really can’t stress this enough. I know ghosting is normalized and sometimes it’s easier not to respond when you’re not interested: I GET IT, trust. But, you know how you feel after the first or second date and letting them know is really just the right thing to do.
- How do you do it? Simply thank them and let them know it was a nice time, but you don’t think there should be a next. Again, we’re grown; people understand and are. not. pressed.

Regarding Gen Y women, dating for meals, one my followers actually saw that particular response and sent me this text to share her thoughts:

I agree with her that men - and also women - should be discerning of people who may not have the best intentions. I also agree that most Gen Y women are not looking to meet you for a meal. While there are women that do this, I can confirm that women would much rather get a boyfriend, husband and future child’s father out the deal…not a free meal. =/

I would challenge men to stop vilifying Black women as users who date for a come up. This, to me, is a cop-out for men to further devalorize women by cheapening the dating experience. To the extent that this particular stereotype is true, I would also say it’s a by-product of women becoming so frustrated with the way men take advantage of dating and situations(ships) that some really don’t care if they get whatever they can out of a situation…similar to how men do. Objectively speaking, though, if you, a man, offer to take a woman or man out, and that woman or man accepts, the value exchange is the thing you asked for, which in this case would be to take the person out. The value exchange is not for the person to like you or to want to be in a relationship with you. That said, if the date is conditional based on those factors, just ask the person or pay attention to how they are treating you.

2) Dating Responsibly

So, a lot of people really disagreed with the kissing point, and I understand. As I mentioned, that is completely subjective and it’s not a means to an end, just a preference. That’s why I caveated that we are grown and to do what you feel, but to the degree that you are holding yourself accountable for the boundaries you choose or choose not to set. Overall, the point is to assess what you like, determine what you can handle and do what ultimately makes you comfortable.

For me, I don’t want to kiss a person I know nothing about and may actually never see again. Talk about risks…
Additionally, I actually really enjoy spending time with a person time after time, knowing we’re just having a good time and genuinely enjoying each other’s company- no strings attached.
Lastly, it somewhat leaves you in control(major key for somebody like me) and it allows less room for baggage. If you’re a person that can add the physical layer to non-committal situations and give zero fucks, you might be the anomaly and this doesn’t apply to you. For everybody else, who may become territorial or lose your cool if he suddenly stops contacting you, assess your level of investment as you go to avoid the few emotions you can control in a worst-case scenario.

3) Dating with Intentionality

I’ll be short on this one. Be intentional about choosing the right lifetime partner for you. At a minimum, that should [hopefully] mean someone who recognizes your worth and who possesses the want to give you your heart’s desires. You don’t want someone who’s going to nickel and dime you or deprioritize your needs - instead of making sacrifices - to get everything they want for themselves. In my opinion, those people can’t possibly be ready to love you.

If the scripture didn’t bring it home, there’s also an old adage that goes “don’t marry a cheap man.” I found an article that summed it up well, so I’m sharing it with you here: 10 of the Worst Things About Dating Cheap Guys.

Overall, dating is not a one size fits all, but we can agree on the fact that there are a set of core values to consider when looking for the person with whom you want to spend the rest of your life. If there’s no integrity, accountability or intentionality to set the standard, then what is this reason?

Hey.